Okay so this morning as I was sitting on the can contemplating life, I decided to pick up an old journal and read it. The first page I opened to was an entry I wrote a year ago to the week.
5/11 "It's been forever since I have written anything down: any thoughts, problems, or praises. If I am to be honest with myself it is probably a lot of the reason my head hurts and nothing makes sense. I graduated this past Saturday and I hugged and kissed all of my best friends goodbye! I miss them all... but I miss someone more, someone who never leaves me and is always right there. I miss talking w/ my Savior, reading and growing in knowledge of his word and being humbled by it daily. I have been in a funk for 9 months. And I can't take it any longer. God, I pray that you will humble this unwilling and unfaithful heart. Teach me your ways! I am so scared about what the future holds, I am so scared to take a step. I pray that you would take my fear of failure and help me trust in you. I pray you would take this prideful heart and humble it (even if that means crushing it). God thank you for your faithfulness and help me to listen and be obedient to you. Help me to become a warrior of prayer that cries out to you during the day and night. Help me to have faith and trust. I know that I ask for a lot... but Lord you know you don't have to give me anything and could take away everything but if you do go that route. I hope that I am like your servant Job, who although he lost everything he still worshipped you. God teach me to love you like that."
I love journaling even though I don't do it nearly enough.. but its so amazing to look an see where we once were and sometimes still are. God has brought me through a wasteland this year and into a place of milk an honey. He always provides! He always renews! and He always loves faithfully! ... My heart is still unfaithful at times but it is now willing. It still fears but it is now trusting. It still wanders but it is always held by the Maker. It is still selfish but it is learning humility and what it means to serve. It is still judgemental but it is learning grace. It is forever needing improvement but it is now striving.
This is my heart. These are my struggles, triumphs, sorrows and joys. I hope they challenge, encourage, show weakness, but ultimately draw people closer to Jesus Christ.
About Me
- Mary
- I Corinthians 1:26-31 "Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."
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