Excellent Lover

Yesterday, I realized something while talking about life and where I feel God is individually calling me. I realized that God has given me a lot of different gifts and abilities. He has made me good at a lot of different things but their is nothing that I do excellent. I try, and try, and I do my best or at least strive to, but there is nothing that would make anyone look at what I have done and say, "ohhh wow that is excellent!". If they do, God must have temporarily blinded their eyes. However, I long to do at least one thing with excellence. As I was thinking about what I could do, God really hit me over the head with just strive to love Him excellently. I want to be an "Excellent Lover". I want to love the Lord and be obedient, I want to love people with the same grace, mercy, and truth that God has called us to love. I want to love the wealthy, the independent, the needy, the poor, the gays, the lesbians, the outcasts, the incrowds, the persecutors of the church, the saints, the elderly, the young, my peers, my enemies, my family, and friends. I want to love them with the same grace and the same mercy that my father shows me. I want to love them when they encourage me and uplift me, when they curse me and wound me. I want to love them when I have plenty and when I have nothing but my heart to give. And when people remember me I dont want them to see me but to see that she loved like He loved her, with excellence.

Tri- "cheese sandwich"-athlon

Bekah and Me

Bekah Brett Me

We might have eaten a cheese sandwich during the race but at least we finished!!!

Today was a monumental day.... why? because it was the day that I completed my first of hopefully many triathlons. I participated in the Lake Murray Sprint Triathlon on Dreher Island it consisted of a 750 meter swim, 16 mile bike ride, and ended with a 5k run. Bekah, one of my new kindred spirits and best friends did the race with me. She is simply one of the most amazing people I have ever met. We decided a month ago on a whim that we were going to do the race and then began our 5:oo am training, which was insane but so amazing.

The race was incredible as well as exhausting. However, one thing is for sure... Bekah and I would have never made it through without the help of our wonderful coach and friend, Brett Looker, our family support, the much needed and prayed over pregame poop, and finding strength to complete the race through talking to our heavenly Father all the way throughout it.

It was neat to see so many people who had no clue who each other were spurring one another on. My daddy came to cheer me on and seeing him at every transition really did help keep me going. I love him so much. He has always been one of my biggest supports and encourager's.

* on a side note* I took a 3hour nap today in my parents bed, which I used to do when I was in high school after big soccer tournaments. I would lay in their bed and listen to them talk and laugh as I fell asleep.. usually I would wake up to the same sweet sound. Today.. was no different than the past except the sound was so much sweet than I could ever remember it. I stayed in bed for probably another 20 minutes just listening and praising God for moments like these!

simply my duty

Luke 17: 7-10 "When a servant come in from plowing or taking care of sheep, does his master say, 'Come in and eat with me'? No, he says, 'Prepare my meal, put on your apron, and serve me while I eat. Then you can eat later.' And does the master thank the servant for doing what he was told to do? Of course not. In the same way, when you obey me you should say, 'We are unworthy servants who have simply done our duty.'"

Holy moly... I read this passage this morning during my quite time and just felt convicted to no end. Why? Because so often times this is not my attitude. I am constantly seeking a thank you, constantly seeking praise. I long to serve to get a pat on the back or a job well done. So many times the motivations of my heart are selfish and not of a true servant. What if we were to serve God wholeheartedly without ever wanting or expecting a reward ever... not here and not in heaven. what if we just served because WE LOVED HIM THAT MUCH!! Because don't we serve thinking well at least if no one here thanks me my treasure is still in Heaven? I know I do...

Flash Back!

Okay so this morning as I was sitting on the can contemplating life, I decided to pick up an old journal and read it. The first page I opened to was an entry I wrote a year ago to the week.

5/11 "It's been forever since I have written anything down: any thoughts, problems, or praises. If I am to be honest with myself it is probably a lot of the reason my head hurts and nothing makes sense. I graduated this past Saturday and I hugged and kissed all of my best friends goodbye! I miss them all... but I miss someone more, someone who never leaves me and is always right there. I miss talking w/ my Savior, reading and growing in knowledge of his word and being humbled by it daily. I have been in a funk for 9 months. And I can't take it any longer. God, I pray that you will humble this unwilling and unfaithful heart. Teach me your ways! I am so scared about what the future holds, I am so scared to take a step. I pray that you would take my fear of failure and help me trust in you. I pray you would take this prideful heart and humble it (even if that means crushing it). God thank you for your faithfulness and help me to listen and be obedient to you. Help me to become a warrior of prayer that cries out to you during the day and night. Help me to have faith and trust. I know that I ask for a lot... but Lord you know you don't have to give me anything and could take away everything but if you do go that route. I hope that I am like your servant Job, who although he lost everything he still worshipped you. God teach me to love you like that."

I love journaling even though I don't do it nearly enough.. but its so amazing to look an see where we once were and sometimes still are. God has brought me through a wasteland this year and into a place of milk an honey. He always provides! He always renews! and He always loves faithfully! ... My heart is still unfaithful at times but it is now willing. It still fears but it is now trusting. It still wanders but it is always held by the Maker. It is still selfish but it is learning humility and what it means to serve. It is still judgemental but it is learning grace. It is forever needing improvement but it is now striving.

... The cutest thing.

Okay... so this is my newphew Gabriel Owen Townsend. He just recently had his first birthday and he is by far the cutest thing. This past Sunday, May 6th he was dedicated at Northside Baptist church.

I love watching Gabe because he is still seeing most everything for the first time. Every noise is new. Every flower is intriguing. He wants to touch, stare, and taste everything that he can. There is nothing that he takes for granted because he has only known them for a short time. He gets excited about empty boxes, balloons, and tissue paper. He laughs at a surprised face, or goofy movement. He watches everything you do... so he knows how to hug and how to say no. He knows how to zurbert and how to clap. He knows when he rebels and he knows how to show you love.

Its amazing to me, how much I love this little boy and yet he is not even mine. Its scary to me to think that he watches my every movement and mimics my behavior. It challenges me how he takes nothing for granted and finds joy in everything and it is my desire to faith like a child.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight life a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."

Fear and Trembling

God calls us in Philippians 2:12 to continue to work out our salvation with fear and trembling.

I have been a believer... or I guess you could say God's been working out my salvation for as long as I can remember. I grew up under amazing pastors/teachers of God's word and parents who took their role of binding the Word of God to their children's hearts very seriously. In all these things, I praise God for the blessing of allowing me to know Him and be rooted in Him at a very young age.

However, since I supposedly new all the right answers from memory and some from heart, I feared asking questions. To me, to question meant that I didn't love God enough or that I didn't believe God enough. To raise tough questions meant, in my thinking at the time, that I must not really be a believer.... so for years I just ignored the hard questions and refused to question anything... and all answers were just what I knew I was suppose to say. Then, I went to college, and my whole world started to shatter with different life struggles. During this time I decided to switch majors to Christian Ministries, thinking that it would be safe and encouraging to my faith (I didn't do it for that reason alone but I thought it couldn't hurt). Unfortunately or maybe fortunately every professor decided to play devils avocate. I began to question everything that I ever believed, every scripture, my own heart, and even the very truths of God. It was a hard time but an extremely fruitful one in hind sight.

See, I believe God wants us to ask tough questions. I believe no matter how long we know Him, He always wants us to ask questions about Him. Because it is in these question that we learn more about His character and it is through wrestling with our Creator that we see how small we actually are in comparison to Him. It is the same with every relationship the more you seek to know about a person the closer you get them. The more I ask God questions and seek His Word ( His truth) the more intimate and in love I become with Him, and the more He opens my eyes to His beauty and grace.